“Sometimes Lord it is so Hard”
Sometimes Lord it is so hard to be a child of God’s. I mean there were times in my life when I didn’t even hesitate to do this or do that. And to be honest I didn’t care what this or that would do to me or to other people. But for quite a while that has changed and I have changed as well. In the beginning it was little things like I stopped clubbing all the time when my beloved would go out of town on business; then it went on from there to I started to stop hanging around certain folks because I could not condone or identify with their behavior or even their attitudes regarding many things anymore.
And I remember my beloved telling me when I would say I have changed; and, he would say no you haven’t you are the same beautiful and loving person you have always been, but I knew deep down inside, there was a change a brewing in me and I must confess in the beginning I didn’t even realize it at first myself. I just began to feel more and more comfortable with spending any and all time I had in my faith activities, or with my spiritual family at church or other church functions, or even in prayer and meditation.
I remember when my beloved gave me a Bible Bag for Christmas; you would have thought that he had given me a pair of diamond earrings. I was so excited and the first thing I did was to get my one of many Bibles out to make sure one of them would fit in the bag just right, and then I put my name in the bag to make sure that my Bible Bag didn’t get lost amongst the many others during church services. Oh yes times have changed and to many who know me they are truly amazed. I mean they knew that I loved God, but I guess they were assuming that this like so many other things in our lives would just be a fad, something that would happen for a while, and then it would go away just as quickly as the fever of this emotion of love that I felt for God came upon me.
But it didn’t, and it hasn’t, and it sometimes truly amazes me and my own psyche sometimes as well. So when I say, sometimes Lord it is so hard, what I am saying is sometimes I feel people try to test you, they try to test your faith in God, and they try to test your faith in the Good that you see for yourself and others, and they try to get you to believe that what you are experiencing, and what you are feeling, all of that wonderful love of the Spirit, all of that wonderful love of your Spiritual community can’t be what you truly feel, and that you will eventually snap back to your senses and give all that God stuff up, and come back and wallow in the minutia of despair and hopelessness that they are experiencing and join the party as it continues to roll down that freeway of uncertainty and mistrust.
Well, have I got news for them and even you, if there was ever any doubt in my mind about my faith, if there was ever any doubt in my mind about the miracles in my life that God can and has manifested, I remember these words and I say them to myself often, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me”. Because I may wish I could turn back the hands of time sometimes and change myself back to someone who doesn’t always think first about, what does this look like to my Father, or what would this behavior look like to the eyes of God, to the eyes of my one true Father; but then at the same instance that thought is gone, and the feeling of all the love in my heart and in my soul comes back to remind me that “you are a child of mine dear blessed one, and I will always love you, I will always protect you, and I will always see you as the magnificent expression of mine in which you are”.
Sometimes Lord it is not hard at all to be a child of yours, and sometimes Lord it is the blessings and the lessons that I learn along the way that truly make me the magnificent expression that I am, and that we all are because of you, and what you have only asked of us is to open up our hearts, and to open up our minds, to see each and every one as the amazing child of yours that they are. Heavenly Father for this and so much more we say in thanksgiving, thank you God for changing me into who I am today, thank you God for giving me a life that I could have only dreamed of to be, and thank you God for all that is written, and all that is said by you my Father is a blessing and so it is. Amen and amen, God bless you all,